


Touch Me( just for a bit )

by TheRealSEHinton



Category: The Outsiders - All Media Types, The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton
Genre: M/M, johnny is dead lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:54:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29505114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRealSEHinton/pseuds/TheRealSEHinton
Summary: Sodapop Curtis isn’t cold at all. he’s warm.and i wanted that, i wanted the heat, i wanted the fire, i lost it, i wanted to find it again.
Relationships: Sodapop Curtis/Dallas Winston
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	Touch Me( just for a bit )

**Author's Note:**

  * For [naturallesbain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/naturallesbain/gifts).



> wanted to experiment with some new relationships and i especially wanted to give something to my friend rocko cuz all frog does is feed me <3333
> 
> title is in reference to Touch Me from Spring Awakening

touch.

it was a sacred kind of thing. I remembered it faintly that way, as a child and growing up.

it always seemed like a privilege I never deserved and yet I craved it so badly. I remember watching Johnny as he lazily huddled into his friends' touch, as they hugged and caressed and kissed cheeks on good days. I wondered what that felt like, but I never sought it out. I wouldn't allow myself to.

I wasted years away in that kind of isolation, all alone and a little afraid if I can admit that. but there was Johnny. Johnny had hands like ice cream at noon, the ocean in summer, cool waves that hiss when they touch seething skin. you burn and they cool you down. 

when he touched me, I felt like a new person. like a breath during winter, cool air spiking through your lungs and being released. when he touched me, I wanted it. I’m usually considered to be selfish, I know i’m not. I take but I never want. Johnny was the one thing I ever desired.

I wanted him alive, I wanted him not to die. he did. 

I felt like the fire in the church. a consuming blaze coursing throughout my body. I felt like my mom downing all the pills, I felt like my dad drinking booze. I burned all over, like vodka in a dry throat. I burned i burned i burned. 

all i wanted was for Johnny to come and cool me down, but i knew that would never happen. not ever again.

Sodapop Curtis isn’t cold at all. he’s warm. Sodapop Curtis is the sun peaking through a forest, Sodapop Curtis is mittens on a snow day, Sodapop Curtis is kisses during fall.

you can’t fight fire with fire, the last thing i needed was gasoline for whatever fire i had inside of me. but soda, though warm, wasn’t scorching. he was the gentle sting of a hug, like the buzzing of a bee when it flies in a garden. this constant kind of heat that doesn’t light me up but still keeps me aflame.

Sodapop touched everyone, couldn’t keep his hands to himself. I remember those days he’d reach out to me, absentmindedly brush my bangs with his fingers--long, soft, gentle. I hated it, i said i did, i pulled away and gave him this look, a look anyone else would flinch at--a look even Johnny flinched at. he never budged, he kept on smiling at me, and touched me when he didn’t mean to, and grinned when i grimaced.

he touched me when Johnny died and I let him. darry talked me out of whatever shit i was gonna do and i wished he hadn’t, i wished he just let me rob the store, find the cops, pull out the heater, do what i needed to do to stop feeling. and for so long, there was nothing on the horizon, just nothing. Nothing.

but soda was warm. and he touched me. he grabbed my waist and pulled me to him, he whispered that he understood.

we spent a lazy night together, staring up at the ceiling fan of the living room. I was too tired to ask him to leave me alone, i think i even enjoyed the company. he told me about how it felt when his parents died, somewhere along the line he linked his fingers in mine.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

warm. for the first time in forever, i was cold. cold. just fucking freezing man. and i wanted that, i wanted the heat, i wanted the fire, i lost it, i wanted to find it again.

“don’t be.”

the dx made me laugh sometimes--watching everyone grow, move on, when i felt stuck in the past, the only thing that felt real was that shitty garage. flipping through pornos at the counter, barking at kids who looked at me funny, Soda hanging off my arm with a grin, it was almost like normal--but a new kind of normal.

yeah. that’s what Soda feels like. a new normal.

a new normal i began to look forward to every day. a new normal like the way he pressed against me, the way he buried his head into my shoulder, nuzzled his nose in my neck, curled his fingers in my hair like it didn’t matter--like i needed it, like i earned it. a new normal like massages after rodeos, three-tiered cake on my birthday, glazed looks i gotta pretend i don’t notice.

looks that could almost make me think, i can feel again.

touches that make me wanna be warm, touches that make me feel like i deserve to feel again.

i wanna feel again.

one day i realized i wanted to feel with him, with Sodapop Curtis. my rock when i felt like the world was crumbling around me, someone i leaned on without even realizing--and his stupid grin and his carrases and his laugh and his food.

“I love you.”

he looked at me funny when i said it, like it was a joke.

I ain’t ever said that first, you know. I’ve never told someone I loved them first.

“I love you, I’m sorry.”

“jesus, dal,” he said when i started crying, pulled me close and embraced me tight. “don’t cry, please, ditto. ditto. ditto. I love you too.”


End file.
